Friday, November 6, 2009
Waiting for my daughter to get home from basketball practice to go renew her driver's license. She just turned 18. I realized something during volleyball season. I felt a lot of anxiety that was more intense than other years/seasons of sports stuff with my kids. I think part of it was related to a hormonal imbalance, but part of it is something more. I think part of it was realizing that she is a senior in high school and I'm wondering what I will have to push me when my kids are all gone from home. I have three kids out of high school, my daughter that's a senior, and a son that's in 8th grade.
I feel like I push myself through pain and force myself to get to their activities and I think there is underlying fear of what I will have to motivate me when they are gone. What is as powerful as my love for them that will give me the incentive to push through the pain to actually leave my house? There is a fear, I think, of the potential for even greater loss from this illness. And...I don't want to have to go through more loss. I'm basically a wimp.
I have my sunday school class and other church things that I do, but it's hard to explain the different kind of motivation. I think there's a difference between spirituality and doing church stuff. There's only so much I can do in that area. It's different than just going and sitting at a ballgame. I'm not sure I've explained myself very well here, but so be it.
I guess the bottom line is that I'm working on not letting fear have so much influence on my level of anxiety. I have to remember to focus on one day at a time and not think too much about what I will or won't, or can or cannot do in the future.
"Sha na na na na na live for today, and don't worry 'bout tomorrow, heeeeeeyeyeyey"
P.S. Where does anxiety come from? I know it's in the amygdala (part of brain) and that's the same place where fear is, but it's just plain weird to feel it. I know all the intellectual counterarguments to my feelings, but man, when anxiety hits it is unreasonable and unbearable and just plain strange and often frightening.