Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I wish I could understand

I wish I could understand this illness. I wish I could understand what it is that makes us so sick with these strange symptoms. Isn't it odd that we have such bizarre symptoms that make no sense other than the FACT that someone else has the same thing?

I was coasting for awhile. It wasn't necessarily delightful, but I was managing to get a few things done in my window of functionality most days. I usually can feel it coming and I think I felt it coming this time but I tried to ignore it. It's here. It's always here, but sometimes it makes its presence known in a devastating way.

There is no pattern. That's what throws me off. I can't pinpoint what it is that triggers one day's energy level over another's. I can't figure what sends my thoughts spinning away from me. Writing it all down, charting the course of feelings/thoughts/symptoms/food/activity/etc., there is no pattern. Just when I think I may have found a rhythm to the madness it shifts. There are no visible markers to connect one to another.

My mind seeks after patterns. I try to find the answers that can destroy the questions that keep pounding in my head.

I don't really ask, "Why me?" Rather, the questions, "What is this?", and, "How does it do what it does?"

Perhaps the more important question is, "Why do I keep trying to understand?"

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