To my Daily Strength friends.
WARNING: a touch of bitterness and overwhelming fatigue below. Enter with caution.
Didn't sleep AGAIN last night. Not sleeping is weird. Things take on an eerie sense of meaning that is hard to shake off. Especially, when it goes on and on.
I've been having inharmonious conversations with God. I really haven't been able to feel Him much for a long time. Quite sad. Please, no lectures on grace. Not now.
When you're not blazing tired you can focus on blessings. When you ARE blazing tired things tend to get hazy, as in not so clear. There's a lot of emotional numbness. Yet, there's pain. If you don't know what it's like to be numb and yet in pain then you probably aren't blazing tired.
Part of my problem is that thoughts keep creeping in about how I’m not better than last year or the year before. In fact, I think I might be worse. There may be ebbing and flowing through this illness for some people but when the flowing is in flood-like proportions for what seems like an unendurable length of time it's just plain bad news.
Yes, there are those who are worse off than me. Yes, there are degenerative diseases that take a far greater toll. Yes, I GET IT! Dang it, I don’t want to get it. Getting it hurts. Getting it makes me realize this is it. Getting it makes me have to keep going when all I want to do is give up. Getting it makes me want to scream even when there isn’t anything inside of me to scream with.
A lot of the time I feel like I just can't do this. People who say you should never say “can’t” must not know what CHRONIC fatigue feels like. There are times when can’t is possible. An odd use of word play, a bit profound, but true.
Where does the bitterness come from? Too many sleepless nights and sad days struggling to move. Just tears. Even when I’m not crying.
I guess I wouldn't feel so upset if I didn't want to live.