Anniversary

Monday, November 16, 2009
This month is my eleven year mark. It was November, 1998 that I got sick. What a horrible anniversary?! I don't think I could have ever imagined that I'd be sick for this long. What's it like? It's just painful, that's what it's like. I think losing hope is the worst part of the pain.

To celebrate my anniversary I have been sicker than I can adequately describe. My period hit flambastically hard. (I like to make up words.) Cramps that kept me from walking upright and my CFS symptoms through the roof. Wait, I'd like them to go through the roof but they stay inside of me, so that was an incorrect description. The point is that I have been in bed a lot. Missed a lot of life. I've spent 11 years trying to convince myself that the things I'm missing aren't important, but somehow I still care and feel miserable about having to be sick all of the time. I still care about not getting better. I still care about what this illness has taken from me. I still feel pain about not wanting to continue if this is really all I have to look forward to. How can I keep making this be my life? Only because I don't have a choice.

I feel so weak. Why am I not strong enough to push harder? There is no physical strength to even stand up for any length of time without feeling light headed and dizzy. Where the heck does this crapiola come from? (more fun with words) I find myself apologizing to the air around me. As if I've offended the space for being in it.

I realized most people would go to the doctor for the kind of pain I've had this past week. After 11 years I don't go to doctors anymore unless I really, really, really have to go for something that I think there might be a slight possibility of assistance available. I've endured a lot of pain.

Lately, I've been struggling with a sense of purpose. I wrote a book about what I've learned from living with this illness. About 300 pages. The few who have read it say it is very insightful and could help a lot of people. It sits on a shelf. I don't know what to do with it. I realized that perhaps my voice has changed since I wrote it. It took about 2 years to write it. I think my voice is now weaker and not as hopeful. This illness keeps taking away more hope and the book is about hope. haha

It isn't a happy anniversary. That's for certain.

carry on.

WooHoo

Friday, December 4, 2009 | A General Update story

woohoo it's frozen pizza friday. I always like it when I don't have to try to think about dinner.



I actually made slip covers for two old loveseats that turned out very nicely. Sad that I can't afford new furniture but happy that I can sew and found a fantastic deal on fabric. What used to take me a day (creating a pattern, cutting out fabric, sewing) took three, but who's counting?!



I had to add some foam to one of the 20 year old love seats but it feels very comfortable now. Even the dog must think so since that seems to be where he likes to take his mid-day nap. I'll have to add the 'before and after' pictures I took. Gotta take the time to figure that out...



It feels so good to actually be able to look at something and tell myself that I did it. I created it. It's been so hard for me over the years to feel a sense of purpose and accomplishment when my daily routine is so comparatively limited. I've had to repeatedly try to convince myself that individual worth is not about what a person can do, but rather what a person has in their heart. How come that is so much easier when I evaluate other people but not so easy when it comes to how I feel about myself?



Just purchased some polar fleece on a super sale to make snuggies for my kids for Christmas. Every now and then I start to panic about finances and debt and life but if I can avoid dwelling on it I feel much better. I have the most fun when I fantasize about having everything taken care of financially. It's a delightful escape from reality.



It's also fun to think about how I made two slip covers (custom fit) for less than one stretchy, plain colored, ill-fitting store bought cover. woo hoo. And, I'll make five snuggies for a little over half of what I would have to pay for them in the store. woo hoo



And to think, it all started with 4-H in about third grade when I learned to sew and made an apron for the county fair. One more time -- woo hoo!



carry on.

katy

Feelin' fat

Saturday, December 26, 2009 | A General Update story

I don't get on the scales much but my clothes are shrinking. It must be the dryer or I'm gettin' fat. I have been eating too much sugar at night. Weird cravings, or really more of an intense desire for chewing. Yes, I chew the sugarless gum and suck on sugarfree candy, but there is still a need to eat when I'm not hungry.



I pretty much blame it on perimeno-crap--o-pause. Hormones can screw up the metabolism like a light switch being turned on and off. I'm puffy in the morning and it takes most of the day to lose the water my body is retaining. Yes, I drink lots of water.



I feel puffy and bloated and fat. It's a strangely soft and round experience that is disconcerting. Extra padding that I'm not used to. Where did it all come from?



I just checked the menopause support group and checked on posts about weight gain. Lots of women talking about gaining weight around the middle. CHECK. They also say that it doesn't come off no matter what they do to try to lose it. Say what?!



I'm not entering any beauty pageants but that doesn't mean I'm happy about this explosion of puffiness. Vanity? Not so much. Comfortable clothes? Oh, yes, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.



Stretchy pants for every occasion.



Carry on.

adversity

Satan is referred to as the adversary. So, what does Satan have to do with adversity? Is adversity simply opposition? If so, then adversity is only adversity if a person perceives it as such. It must be opposite to what a person expected. Trials, challenges, etc. are simply opposite to what we had thought or believed would happen; or, opposite to what we have been taught to believe or expect to happen. Adversity is adversity because it is opposite, or different from something.

So, we look into the lives of others and label their experiences (pioneers, martyrs, etc.) as adversity when it may very well not be. If they did not perceive it as such it could not be defined as adversity. Did it have to be opposite from what they expected for their situation to be considered adversity to them?

We have to have meaning for suffering. We have to put labels on people and situations to provide motivation or inspiration for our own challenges. Is that it? We read or hear a story and affix our labels when perhaps those labels are quite false indeed.

Is Satan's only weapon his ability to be opposite? Is he clearly opposite? Perhaps more so than people will admit...

carry on.

spirit in two or more places at once?

Is it possible? When I feel disconnected - a floaty feeling I can't quite describe - could my body be here and my spirit be in another dimension? It's such a strange feeling - And I wonder about the consciousness of my spirit - or what my spirit knows (because of its existence BEFORE earth life with body) - It knows, must know, things I'm not consciously aware of; so, then isn't it possible that it could be or do things dimensionally that I'm not aware of? My spirit knows what it's like to be without a body, but my body doesn't consciously know what it's like to be without spirit and that's what the weird/strange feeling is - is it possible to be conscious without spirit? No? So, can thoughts be physical - of the body alone? I guess not or we'd be dead, or?...

That was written several months ago. I just read a book this week about synchronicity of the soul with the universe. At one point the author describes what he believes to be the two parts of the soul - local and nonlocal. The local soul is our individual essence and exists at the quantum level and our nonlocal soul is part of everyone and everything and exists in the virtual or spirit level. I wanted to change some of the authors terminology and plug his concept into the plan of salvation because he was talking about things that made sense from an ethereal perspective. His point about our local spirit existing at the quantum level made sense to me.

A quantum leap is a change in status from one set of circumstances to another that takes place without passing through circumstances in between. When an electron is in orbit A and the next moment in orbit B there is no traveling through the space in between. It's simply there. Even though this author had a definition of the soul that I didn't totally agree with, I couldn't help but wonder if this was a possible continuation of my thoughts about a spirit being in more than one place at the same time. A sort of quantum leap between dimensions would make sense to me.

carry on.

What's in a lifetime?

I can't believe I haven't written for so long; and yet, I have a notebook full of scribblings for the past two months.

I just got back from visiting my 87-year-old dad and 90-year-old stepmother in St. George, Utah. They will be married six years in September. One of my favorite parts of my visit was swimming laps in the pool at the subdivision where my dad lives. I was always alone in the pool and it was fantastical. smiling. I think I should have been a swimmer. I'm a good swimmer. I love how it feels, how it sounds, how it relaxes me to float on my back when I'm done swimming. When I used to work as a lifeguard the owner would sometimes let us swim after hours and I would float on my back and look up at the stars. It was a hot springs out in the middle of nowhere; or, Haines, Oregon, if you know where nowhere is.

It was interesting to go with my dad and Ettie to the assisted living center where they have just been assigned to help on Sundays. I looked around at the 15 or so elderly people and thought about all of the incredible life experience in that room. I wonder what those people's lives had been like and what kind of wisdom they could impart.

What does it mean to grow old - living beyond what people did in the past? Will we care for people with dignity and respect? Consider what it means to age and live beyond...

I couldn't help but see that the better-abled old were caring for the less-abled old. Why do people age differently? Why is one healthier than another?

I couldn't help but wonder what my life would be like. How long will I live and how will I live?

I looked around the room and wondered about people's past lives. Each had a
lifetime of prayer
of trusting God?
of faith
of challenges and
wonderings of how God works.

A lifetime of relationships
all kinds of experiences
and many, many different choices.

*How have they come to understand how the Holy Ghost works in their lives?
*How have they come to recognize and feel the power of God in their lives?

I thought about talking to each of them but communication is a bit of a challenge, and I'm not sure how cognizant all of them were. It still doesn't take away from their life's mission and experience.
What do they think about?
How do they feel?
What is their purpose in their infirmity?
How do they see their past life and present situation?

Curious.

I asked dad and Ettie the two starred* questions above. It was interesting to think about how they related experiences at different points in their lives, and I thought about how we might give up on God when He is waiting to speak to us when we are 65, 78, or even older. Something to consider...

There were three dining tables and each one had a quote in a plastic frame sitting in the center. I wrote down one of the quotes from Joseph F. Smith.

"The test, then of our soul's greatness is rather to be sought in our ability to comfort and console, our ability to help others, rather than our ability to help ourselves and crowd others down in the struggle of life."

And, there you go.

american idol

Okay, so, American Idol host Ryan S. makes a big deal about how AI is the number one show in America, blahdee blahdee, blah, blah... Good grief! Why don't they pay for more royalties so the singers can sing new songs. They just keep recycling songs year after year. Give me a break. It's ridiculous. Simon C. makes like 45 million a year for doing the show - I guess that's where all the money goes - to the judges. Even more ridiculous.

crazy world (mad world)

carry on.